Ode to Uncle Mike

Our Uncle Mike (Mom’s younger brother) passed away this week and Mom asked the kids (Dana, Todd, and I) to write down some memories of them to share at his Memorial.

As I read them this morning, I thought there were great memories to share with everyone.  So, without further fanfare … here are the top ten, o.k. 11, memories the Bauer kids have of Uncle Mike.

1. Refraining from “Piling On” (Dana): Now, don’t get me wrong, we all know Mike had the Simpson trait of debate and verbal banter in spades. He could talk and talk with the best of them, but I don’t think I ever saw him ganging up on someone when they were obviously down and out. Case in point: “The Ugliest Foot Contest” on bauerfriends.com. Despite painting my toenails, I won that godawful title. And while the rest of my family took pot shots about the troll-like toes and club-like bone structure I possess, Mike refrained and made a point to compliment the usefulness of my feet. I have always been grateful to him for not kicking me while I was down.
2. Blushing Debate Facilitator (Dana): One of my favorite all-time memories is of Mike’s presence during a pretty heated debate between Amy and myself, revolving around the topic of pre-marital kissing. We were probably around 16 or 17 at the time. (Jarrod, don’t fret; Amy was all the way against ruining herself before the likes of you. I, on the other hand, was vehemently against losing any potential kissing mates – sorry Mom). In the end no one won that debate, and I don’t really remember all the points that were made, but I will always remember Mike’s beet red face as his adolescent daughter and niece weighed the pros and cons of swapping spit with the opposite sex. He stood there through it all.
3. He Had Moves (Dana): Not a lot of men can say they’re at home on the dance floor. I think Mike was an exception to this rule or at least he looked like he was an exception during his father-daughter dance with Laura at her and Dale’s wedding. The look of love and pride on Mike’s face and his complete attention on Laura while he twirled her around the dance floor for three minutes really captured what an amazing father he really was.
4. Freedom From Uncle Sam (Todd) I can remember waiting in the car underneath massive shade trees waiting for my Uncle Mike to get out of his final formation in the US ARMY at Ft. Belvoir. An early memory that I would guess being somewhere around the age of 5…..After what seems like an eternity  I am startled to  hear a joyous yell that not even one of a billiion Simpson’s (to my knowledge) have ever emitted from their mouth (Chuck you know what yell I’m talking about).    The memory skips to the kitchen of our home in Fairfax, Va where Uncle Mike and Aunt Bernie have been living in a trailer in our driveway. Uncle Mike is now tearing apart army clothing in great glee while pausing to give me his spare BDU hat. Seems kind of fitting … if you skip forward 37 years … as I now have retired from the Army.  I actually (and I’m being serious) wouldn’t have been able to cope with the BS and Stress without the counsel of Mike and all my Uncles. I relish the irony of  the situation.   Every time I talked to Uncle Mike, he always made a difficult situation/problem bearable with humor, thought and good advice. Also, I still have his spare BDU hat.
5. “ROAD HOG” (Todd).   Mike and Bernie have the great idea of driving an RV from Oregon to WI for the summer visit.  Sadly, a few days in, the RV breaks down in the middle of the North Dakota badlands. A ‘rescue party’ departs from Durand Wisconsin and those staying behind spend the next 2 days making collages and posters 100’s of images of Mike’s road hog (his broken down RV) … On arriving, Mike laughs and appreciates every one of the several hundred pictures.
6. Birth of the Candy Salad (Todd).  We all loved the candy salad, but the actual story that enabled it to be was one of Mike’s better stories.   You see, as Mike tells it, he had a horrible temper.  One day, he was working in the barn with a cow that had kicked him one too many times and sure enough that darn cow kicked him again again.  Mike, losing his angelic demeanor, rared back and punched that offending bovine on the bridge of its nose so hard that it buckled the cows knees.   Grandpa was not happy about that and banished Mike to the kitchen forever with the rest of the women.  The rest, including the candy salad, is history.
7. Mike’s Retelling (to me) of my 1st Day @ School (Todd). As I mentioned earlier, Mike and Bernie lived with us for a time in Fairfax, VA.  Some of the best stories Mike would tell were his memories from that time.   One was his recollection of my first day at school.  In his telling, his beloved sister Mary (AKA my mother) has chosen a corporate lawyer theme for my first day complete with a business lunchbox. After coming home, scarred from ridicule from the other kids commentary on my attire, Uncle Mike said he had to spend hours talking me into listening to my mother again.   That story, coupled by how he had to stop my mom’s attempts to fix my infant football shaped head via her college Webster dictionary in fear I might spurn the written word in adulthood convinced me that Uncle Mike was a key guardian in my early developmental years. p.s.  Dana now you know why I deserve Mom’s college dictionary.
8. Proper use of adjectives (Tim). Mike was the one that taught me that it was o.k. to say “Jesus H. Christ!” if you said it with passion and/or added an “H” in the middle.  He never did tell me what the “H” was for.   Regardless, when he would let fly with the lord’s name it made me, and probably Jesus himself, smile.
9. Mental Warfare (Tim).   Mike was the king of getting under the skin of an opponent.  A verbal poke here.  A whispered curse there.  No better example than horseshoes this summer where he and I dethroned a far better team, Todd and Don, with a mixture of athletic moments surrounded by various barbs.   Guess I’ll have to talk my way to victory on my own next time.
10. One Way Editing (Tim).  Mike and I have been poking at each others writing for probably around 10 years.   I always would make changes on his thoughts … but me to him … now that spun off a variety of funny exchanges and rarely went anywhere.  The best memory was when we first launched www.onlyonmondays.com together.   Started out that I would fix his formatting, fix spelling, etc.  He and the computer were always wrestling.  One day, as I was in one of his posts fixing something I got crazy and actually changed a few words in his post that, I felt, were a bit too zealous.   A fellow writer helping out right?  Uh, no.   You would of thought I had rewritten his post to be “Why I love George Bush”.    He was not happy.   I stuck to formatting fixes from there on.    In hindsight, he was right.  The zealous moments in his writing are the best.  Note, to humor me he did start putting in more statistics to support his accusations.
11. Inspiration for the “Bauer Year in Review” (Tim). For those don’t know I put quite a bit of effort into our Christmas Letter each year called the “Bauer Year in Review”.   Truth be told, Mike Simpson was the inspiration for me starting that over 15 years ago.   His christmas letters were the only ones I couldn’t wait to read.  My goal each year was to see if my letter could be funnier than Mikes.   Some years I think I got him.   Regardless, he was a great sounding board for my writing over the last ten years.   He helped me remember one of my loves — writing.

We’ll miss you Mike.

Tim

Proof – Rory and Door Opening

So there was some push back after this years “Bauer Year in Review” had a story talking about how our dog, Rory, can open doors (push or pull).  So, to silence the doubters here is video proof.

In this sequence, Rory has spotted a neighbor walking by and decides he wants to go out and get him.   I kid you not …

Bauer Year In Review – 15 Years

2008 Christmas Card

So the annual Bauer Year in Review hit 15 years this annum … so why not a little recap?  You can read any letter in detail by clicking on the year.

Note, this years is at the bottom .. plus a poll to vote on which one you like the best.

1993. 1st edition. Top 10 list of marriage. House discussions. Funny style emerging.

1994. Carm writes. Tim comments. Building story. 1st Dog (Daisy) story. Goto EY.

1995. Back to Tim. Story of Ralcorp (job story). Teach story for Carm. Dog Story. Baby attempt.

1996. Newsletter format. 1st attempt. Expecting (pax). My job (SWB, Marshalltown). Basement contacted. Dog run down. Creative Memories arrives. Business venture (failed) of Jockstrap Sports (FFL). Cacoon of Horror (EY STL Football)

1997. Pax Delivery. Job (ERAC, Snr Mgr). Pax writeup. 1st words from Pax (Daisy). Me in KC. Sports blather (FFL, Caccoon, Golf).

1998. Pax & Balls. My journey of humilty with John (client). Carm and some girls club. Angel of Death. Bone Crusher. Pax and Talking with Anamils. You start to see in this edition the style of writing that now drives most letters.

1999. Cardiac Kid (bryson born). Me going to Webworks (Perficient). Pax’s thoughts on the value of Pre-School. Zone coverage discussion (two kids). MS150 (a classic story). I think the MS 150 was one of the most commented on stories.

2000. The current layout of the letter arrives. Woody writes for Pax (given his obsession with Woody). Bryson/Pax compare to Todd and I. Body for Life (weight loss deal carm and I tried). Me job wise going to Sprint (again). Daisy booted from letter. Join Metro (church). Net Net (like a top ten).

2001. First use of high res photos. Lost Pax in Store (Honey I lost the kid). Common Ground (use of sand box for friends). Caveman Optho (lasik debacle). Key points (funny snippets). Free at last (Bry locking himself in KC Apt) no one can get in. Pax Roto Virus (Vomit) Story. This letter probably was the best letter in the humor of all the stories.

2002. Poop Picaso (Bry and Poop). Bone Crusher (II) broke nose. Basement flood. Pax and Kindergarten. Oscar Meyer Weiner in the nose (Bry). Bullets of thought. Fear itself (great pick of Pax on log flume).

2003. Jace’s Birth, Quick Thoughts, Yellow Boots Poem (Bry), The Move, BauerFriends, Fool Me Once (Pee Drinking Story), Eye of the Tiger (Pax’s 1st Attempt @ RollerSkating). The poem, Fool, and Eye Stories were pretty good.

2004. Brotherly love (story of Bry snookering bros), Quick thoughts, Jibber Jabber (Jace translation of early speak), Saint Carmen (mock sainthood request for carm), Circle of Life (Carm + Meat Wagon = How Boys Deal w/ Bullys.

2005. Underwear nightmares (bry’s love of 1st Grade. The Man. Pirates (all things). Vomit story (again). Wench (goes to Medival Times). 80’s party.

2006. Dodgeball. Fencing / Pax’s Discovery of the Karma Sutra. Notables. Highlight reel for Bry (packing style, competitive, singing, gifter). Jace and toilet training (cold shower). A pretty funny letter I think.

2007. Me as a woman.  Carm and Dad Bend Metal.  Family Report Card.  Bruiser (sled run).  Smarter than 2nd grader?    jace interview.  The “Me as a Female” story aka “Androgyny and Me” is a classic … the rest of the writeup was solid.

2008. Carm’s Grandma Bike. Chores and Jace. Tho Shall Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Nugget. Dog 1, Man 0 (rory the door opener). Pax’s (and my) Mowing. Not as funny as some years IMHO but solid. New letter format.

Brother, cam you spare an amp?

There is nothing like earning something you want. The things I earn are rather mundane: pizza, beer, a pop tart.

Paxton however earned something this summer that I suspect he will value for some time. An electric guitar.

It took him about 4 months of mowing lawns and saving bithday dollars but he finally cleared the number he was looking for and bought a black crafter (don’. Net damage, with an amp, $385. Parents contribution? $25. He bought it from where he takes weekly lessons (it’s called “good n’ loud”) so they had been rooting for him all summer as he fawned over various axes. He almost went with a broken down version for $80 but thought better of it and worked a few more months. They were so inspired gave him $60 off (dropping the total to $325).

Now we just need to learn how to play it like Eddie Van Halen so I can retire.

Here is a clip of pax with his new guitar playing (?) a few licks (about 1:40 in is where he starts playing it).

Chore Technique #103 — Regions

So, if you have followed the Bauer posse for any time you know someone (me) is constantly coming up with new angles of getting household chore done.  Consistently that is.   As our friend Carlyle said:

“Labor is life.” Carlyle (1795-1881)

And what labor goes with you throughout life?  Cleaning.  And so my pondering of chores for so long.

Regardless, recently a new concept began to emerge to help the boys be accountable for part of the daily chores w/o being asked.  The concept I called regions.  Regions?  Say what? Yes, it sounds strange.  In short it goes like this.

• Each person owns 1 or more regions around the home (kitchen, bathroom, etc)
• They have to keep that area clean
• If someone messes up their region, and they catch em, they can demand payment of some kind
• To demand payment all regions under your control must be clean
• A region owner can create rules/laws on what defines a region as ‘clean’ for those using it.  Read Pax’s below for an example.
• If your region is not clean due to normal use (not a person messing it up) someone else can tax you

And no, Carmen doesn’t like this either.  But hey the boys do (for now) so why not?

Paxton sees this as an opportunity to catch his brothers unawares and tax them for their computer time so he fought to get the most highly used areas.  Jace is just a victim (too little, but he owns the living room where no one is usually).  Carm got the pantry and masterbath even though she says this is dumb due to it being a competitive not teaming model.  Bry got the mudroom and dining area but is suspicous of how amused Paxton is by this opportunity.

Should be interesting to see how this plays out.  It actually fits w/ love and logic even though Carm is in denial.  The get to be responsible for something.  They own it.  It’s not so big they don’t know what it is.  There is no question of what they own.  It’s a constant responsibility not a point in time thing.  There are consequences for not doing something.  There is a simple rule to avoid trouble (“Leave nothing behind”).  There is a delegation of monitoring.  What’s not to like?

Here is a video of the boys thoughts on the matter.

Here is Paxton’s rules as of today:

Here is Bryson’s Rules:

Real Men Own The Dancefloor

You have been there.   Band is cranking out your favorite tune.  You feel the beat.  In your mind you are doing a mean audition for “You Can Dance” but in the real world …

you don’t move.

O.k.  Maybe a small toe tap.  Anything more would give away that you didn’t own the dancefloor.  It owns you.  Your rythm is a equivalent to a 68 chevy 48 months past a tune up and 2 months from the grave. 

Jace, however, does more than move on the dance floor … he owns it.

When the band starts playing his mind clears and its just him … the band … and the music.  No obligatory spasms of rthym or uncoordinated jumps.  Just a head bob in perfect time that exudes a coolness few could hope to attain.  

Alone.

That’s probably the most interesting part.  When Jace hits the zone w/ the band its just him and them.  People can poke him, run into him … doesn’t matter.   He steps aside and resumes the head bob.

Is this the Fonz 2.0 (dance skillz included).  Perhaps I am a bit biased … but the truth will play out over time.  Till then … Rock on Jace … Rock on.

You can check it out for yourself in the video below (~15 seconds in you will see the man in action). 

For the love of the food … err .. game

Ask yourself this …

What turns a game from a pass time to a passion?

One might say it is after the first taste of victory after hours of preparation. Others might point to the journey itself as the catalyst for the clarity. Others might say …

Food.

Yes, Food. Well, if you are talking to Bryson that is. It shouldn’t surprise us. Take his outing to Brewer’s park a few weeks back. While normal kids would seek out the kids zone, Bryson pulled Nick and Grandpa through a ‘food stand’ (ala pub) crawl. Only when his inner incinerator was sated would he ponder more mundane things like “Kids Zone” (note: Nick reported a 30 mph lefty express) and it was in the Kid Zone, that fate would give Bryson a taste of the best food yet.

The food of the Gods.

Baseball Gods that is. You see, the staff at Miller Park decided our hyper (sugar high) kid was the pick of the litter for their sausage toss challenge. In this event, a young child gets to go out in the outfield and attempt to catch 3 out of 5 sausages thrown by Bernie Brewer from the upper deck (basically) on a hula hoop covered with felt to look like a pizza (sans sausages of course). The prize? Free pizzas for all the people in your section.

If you could catch it that is.

So out he went in the 2nd inning … with 30,000 people looking on. The first toss he missed but then he hit his stride ‘catching’ three flying meatballs in a row. Later, when asked how he overcame the slow start and the intimidation of so many people watching he would report that he just focused on the sausage. Now that is advice we could all learn from.

Ideas are Worthless, Execution is Priceless

A friend of mine, Dan McCarthy, once said:

“Tim, you got more ideas than most people.  You just never do anything with em.”

Not to be mean.  Just a side comment as we were talking about his rental side business.  Still, it was a true point and, me being me, I pondered it for months.   Why didn’t I ever act on my ideas?  What I settled on was that every idea that I came up w/ slowly became bogged down w/ riddles I couldn’t resolve.  At least without a sticky web of clauses and workarounds.   So, I was actually saving myself time by not starting companies.  Granted there were a few that poked at the idea (Sound Unseen, Educational Resource Systems, etc) but I never quit for any of those … so really I never committed. 

That all changed two years ago when an idea now known as Leveragency started bouncing around in my head.

However, this entry isn’t about the idea but rather the process that made me bet my livelyhood [left my job on 2/08] on it versus the 50+ ideas that proceeded it.   You see, Leveragency had two characteristics that gave it the momentum where others floundered:

1. I couldn’t debunk it.
2. Others believed.

My inability to debunk it was the first key.  Most of the time my ideas would run thier course like a new relationship (IMHO, people tend to project an image early on in a relationship).  After a brief honeymoon you get down to brass tack of the gaps their character versus yours. Business ideas are no different.  You perceive them on a pedestal initially but then begin to pick at various aspects as you move along.  Usually, that picking leads to notable problems … and you have to part ways.   Strangely, as I picked at aspects of Leveragency I kept finding new aspects that made it more compelling for me. 

Since I was pumped, I started to play to concept out to those that would listen.  There were those that dismissed it (and rightly so … there are and were flaws) but others didn’t.  But many that I engaged were intrigued enough to ponder putting their careers into the game (betting on the model as well).   This was the most humbling.   People I trusted and respected the most (since those are the ones you validate ideas with typically) saw value in the model … to the point they would take personal risk to be a part of it.   The capstone backer was Carmen agreeing that it was worth going after.  Not that she understood the model but she could see I was convinced.  That did it for me.

So, here I am … poking away at trying to take an idea to market.   Hopefully Dan McCarthy is out there somewhere and gets a smirk out of it.  Worst case I can die knowing I ran one out.

Love for a Mother = Love for A Wife * 3

When you get married, the love for your wife is typically about what she enables in you.   Once children arrive, however, something wonderful happens.   Your love grows by leaps and bounds because of what she enables in others as well … specifically your children.

Carmen is this for me since who our three boys are today … is … in large part … due to her.

1.  Paxton.  His love of children. His sensitivity.  His social ease.

2.  Bryson.  His thoughtfulness.  His spirituality.  His passion for cooking.

3.  Jace.   His hugs when you come home.  His giggles and squirms.  His passion for being outside.

All these things and more are reflections of Carmen dedicating this time of her life to our sons.  Not so much with a goal of making them into something.  Rather encouraging them to be who they already are.

Happy Mother’s Day Carm.  Your work is the reason I do mine.

Tim (and the boys)

The Father, The Son, & The Holy Spirit

What do these three things have in common?

1. PC Game Developer

2. Geneticist

3. Priest

.

.

.

THE ANSWER: My son. Or shall I say “Father Bryson”?

You see this list represents how Bryson has progressed recently to a topic he ponders periodically.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

I’ll take the blame for not hooking him on his first choice, since I couldn’t find my BYTE magazines from 1977. Let’s face it, as cool as Scratch is, you can’t beat writing lines of BASIC code.  Ah, how I loved to write my Byte magazine programs.

Now the second role, geneticist, was based on recommendation from his friend Nicholas. I don’t know about you but genetics was not a topic of discussion in my 2nd grade class. All I remember from that year was my paper mache’ cooler didn’t work as an insulator for ice (think wet toilet paper). Some cheater brought one based on dry ice (I was like … what the heck is that!!!).

Luckily, after 3-4 weeks of a gig I know 0 about, Bryson started talking about working with God. The only area of debate for him was if not having a wife was a big deal. Since I need more supporters of me at the pearly gates I told him girls were silly … just get a dog. He seemed to buy that.

Talk about role reversal.

Signing off … In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit … Amen.  Grandma Bauer would be proud.